Human Bean Faucet

Shortly after I offered a peak of Laura’s boobs to Moises Alou, we were on our way to Dave’s house. He lived on Paulina, on the top floor of a four story house. The apartment was beautiful and spacious. He had an adequate deck and hardwood floors.

We arrived at his house around 6 at night. Phil Tanner, Laura and I were over served, but ready to get Dave to the same point. We laughed and drank and laughed and smoked and laughed and drank and laughed and wrestled. Laura wrestled Dave in the living room. Her freakish strength was becoming apparent to Dave and the battle was getting heated. Phil was laughing and I was laughing because Phil was laughing. If you never had the pleasure to hear Phil laugh, it has a slow build. His eyes then get bright and he cackles with a throaty cough. It makes you laugh to hear him laugh.

Shortly after the wrestling match, Laura decided that she had had enough. She retreated to Dave’s room and fell asleep on his hardwood floor at 7:30 at night. Dave, Phil and I started talking about food and Dave thought it would be brilliant to bring us out into public. We started the trek to get some mexican food. I don’t recall if we drove or walked. I just know that just like magic, we were standing outside of an authentic Mexican restaurant.

In my inebriated, 22 year old wisdom, I transformed into a world famous Mariachi singer. I rolled my tongue and shouted and sang every stereotype that I could think of. Phil laughed, dave told me to shut up. We went inside. I continued the Mariachi band in my personal picture show and laughed to myself at myself a few times.

I ordered a burrito, with rice and drenched it in hot sauce. Phil ordered a burrito, with refried beans. Dave ordered a burrito. We ate. Nothing is much better on a belly full of beer than a burrito. We joked and ate and drank and joked. Every joke and cynical remark tried to out do the other. We were finished with our meal and were finishing our beer. I wish I could remember the joke to this day, but it escapes me now. The joke or quip that we told gave me the single greatest visual pleasure (aside from the obvious nude women) I have ever seen.

Phil started his slow build to a laugh. His eyes brightened, but for some reason he tried to stop his laugh. We were being horribly loud and horribly obnoxious. Maybe that’s the reason that he wanted to stop this particular laugh. But, he laughs with so much forth that his eyes not only brightened, but they glazed this time. And then, like someone turned a faucet on all the way, refried beans began to pour out of his nose. It had to be three to four table spoons worth. It was the most amazing thing I have seen to this day. Almost 10 years later, it is still one of the most amazing things.

Like a flash, we were back at Dave’s apartment. It was 9 or 10 by now and he and Phil were talking about going to a bar. I had enough and decided to call it a day. After all, you can’t top a human bean faucet. I went to Dave’s room and took my shirt and pants off and laid next to Laura. I slept. I sleep. I always sleep.

The next morning, we went to the deck to have some coffee and cigarettes. Dave was staring at me. “Dude, what?” I asked him.

“Do you ever wear pajamas?”

“Not really, why?

“Cause, I get home from the bar and want to go to bed. I open my door and your legs are wide open and your junk was hanging out!” Phil began his build up. This time he let it happen.

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