I Have Nothing to Offer, but a Broken heart

“While nothing can take the place of a lost child or loved one, all of us can extend a hand to those in need – to remind them that we are there for them; that we are praying for them; and that the love they felt for those they lost endures not just in their own memories, but also in their community, and their country. “Every parent in America has a heart heavy with hurt. We grieve for the families of those we lost. And we keep in our prayers the parents of those who survived. Because as blessed as they are to have their children home, they know that their child’s innocence has been torn away far too early. “Any of these neighborhoods could be our own. So we have to come together and take meaningful action to prevent more tragedies like this. Regardless of the politics.” – Barack Obama in response to the tragedy in Newton, Connecticut In April of 1999, I was a senior in high school. I went to Crystal Lake South. It is a normal suburban high school. We had modern amenities. Air conditioning, a few gymnasiums, internet access, modern sports fields and televisions in every classroom and through out the campus. These TVs had cable access and we watched them occasionally. Well, at lunch we all watched them. The teachers, the students, the principal, the detective. I was in Spanish class. Es verdad. Señor Svendson turned the TV on, just in time to see a kid that was my age, throw himself out of a broken window with one leg covered in blood, and...

Butt Sneezes

“I like pooping. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to poop is a grand thing.” – Agatha Christie The most basic of human functions. Everybody poops. Babies poop. Children poop. Adults poop. Men poop. Women poop. Extremely hot woman, with large breasts and small waists poop. Some people poop a lot. Some people poop a little. Some people poop solid. Some soft. Some people even poop into a bag. Some people, now I’m not sure how many, but some people even poop on each other for sexual gratification. Now, why is something that everyone does so taboo? It smells. It smells bad, bad why can’t we talk about it. Why isn’t it proper? Farts too. Why can’t we talk about farts. Just because your butt coughs, doesn’t mean it is unspeakable.  As a father, I actually embrace the act of pooping. It is the only time I truly have to myself. I go to sleep and my kids are there. I wake up and my kids are there. I get in the shower and my kids are there. I go to work, my kids aren’t there, but my coworkers are there. I come home and my kids are there. I go to the bathroom and [gasp] silence. I’m not sure if everyone is like me and has a memorable poop. I do. I have two actually. These weren’t recent poops. No, these poops took place in 1988. I was a cute kid back then. I was seven years old and was in love with the Chicago Cubs and the Chicago Bears....