Butt Sneezes

“I like pooping. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to poop is a grand thing.” – Agatha Christie

The most basic of human functions. Everybody poops. Babies poop. Children poop. Adults poop. Men poop. Women poop. Extremely hot woman, with large breasts and small waists poop. Some people poop a lot. Some people poop a little. Some people poop solid. Some soft. Some people even poop into a bag. Some people, now I’m not sure how many, but some people even poop on each other for sexual gratification.

Now, why is something that everyone does so taboo? It smells. It smells bad, bad why can’t we talk about it. Why isn’t it proper? Farts too. Why can’t we talk about farts. Just because your butt coughs, doesn’t mean it is unspeakable.  As a father, I actually embrace the act of pooping. It is the only time I truly have to myself. I go to sleep and my kids are there. I wake up and my kids are there. I get in the shower and my kids are there. I go to work, my kids aren’t there, but my coworkers are there. I come home and my kids are there. I go to the bathroom and [gasp] silence.

I’m not sure if everyone is like me and has a memorable poop. I do. I have two actually. These weren’t recent poops. No, these poops took place in 1988. I was a cute kid back then. I was seven years old and was in love with the Chicago Cubs and the Chicago Bears. I had dirty blonde hair that was parted on the right and two, big front teeth that had just taken over for my chiclet, baby teeth. I had millions of freckles and was very skinny. It was an early summer day and it was about 80 degrees outside.

My mom and sisters were laying out in the backyard in their bathing suits trying to develop skin cancer. Now, I was a seven-year old boy surrounded by three sisters and a mother. I had to do boy things on my own, and this particular day I was feeling a little pressure in my stomach. I could feel the churning. I could feel the gurgling. I could feel the gas travel through my intestines. It was travelling at a decent rate and I was starting to get excited as I felt it nearing my b-hole. I aimed my fart blaster at the girls and gave a nice push to release the stink. As soon as my sphincter began to open, it happened. My butt sneezed.

The problem is I pushed so hard that I attained full release and the liquid poop quickly filled my BVDs and started to trickle down my leg. I was mortified and immediately began to cry. My little prank on my family literally backfired. They all laughed. Poop is funny after all. My mom took me in to clean me up and get me into fresh BVDs. I got new shorts on and felt the pressure in my stomach again. I went outside and was confident that the last butt sneeze evacuated everything inside and went to finally pull the big one off. I pushed. I felt the hot air release from my balloon knot. And then came its friends. Once again my BVDs filled with the hot liquid and began to once again trickle down my legs.

That was the day that I pooped my pants twice. Not only did I poop in them, I obliterated them. I’m okay with that, though. Everyone poops. Even animals poop. Fish poop. I’m okay to discuss poop. Because, although poop is stinky, it’s always satisfying, and it is always funny.

Please to enjoy.

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