My Prepubescent Fate

I had Mrs. Stewart for 6th grade home room. She was tall and had wavy, mid 90s, blond hair. She was authoritative yet fair. Two or three kids from that class are dead. Two for sure. I’m pretty sure it’s three. Not sure that is relevant to the story, it is a mundane detail about the home room I was in. Our home room was in the basement of Lundahl, Jr. High. on the north end of the building that was closest to South Elementary. The wall separating the classrooms was removable. It was opened once or twice. This particular time it was closed. That may have been a good thing. Lunch was coming soon. This was the only time, besides Gym that we could go outside. Coming in from 5th grade, that is a big culture shock. Mrs. Stewart had a collection of sports equipment that we could check out. On this day, I got the football. It was always a big deal to get the football. I put it between my desk on the floor and the girl who sat next to me. I can’t remember exactly who that was, but she was not among the dead. To my current knowledge. The clock was approaching the lunch hour. Mrs. Stewart’s voice was starting to be drowned by my personal picture show. I was already outside, throwing the ball to Jeff or Stu or Kevin or Eric. We were playing way better than the Bears were. Not a stretch back then, though. I wanted to be Jim Harbaugh and Erik Kramer. I wanted to be a quarterback. I...

Human Bean Faucet

Shortly after I offered a peak of Laura’s boobs to Moises Alou, we were on our way to Dave’s house. He lived on Paulina, on the top floor of a four story house. The apartment was beautiful and spacious. He had an adequate deck and hardwood floors. We arrived at his house around 6 at night. Phil Tanner, Laura and I were over served, but ready to get Dave to the same point. We laughed and drank and laughed and smoked and laughed and drank and laughed and wrestled. Laura wrestled Dave in the living room. Her freakish strength was becoming apparent to Dave and the battle was getting heated. Phil was laughing and I was laughing because Phil was laughing. If you never had the pleasure to hear Phil laugh, it has a slow build. His eyes then get bright and he cackles with a throaty cough. It makes you laugh to hear him laugh. Shortly after the wrestling match, Laura decided that she had had enough. She retreated to Dave’s room and fell asleep on his hardwood floor at 7:30 at night. Dave, Phil and I started talking about food and Dave thought it would be brilliant to bring us out into public. We started the trek to get some mexican food. I don’t recall if we drove or walked. I just know that just like magic, we were standing outside of an authentic Mexican restaurant. In my inebriated, 22 year old wisdom, I transformed into a world famous Mariachi singer. I rolled my tongue and shouted and sang every stereotype that I could think of. Phil...

Helter Belcher

In 2002 I lived by myself and Banky. She was my bitch. My original girl. She was much too jealous of Laura when we started dating. She would make sure if we were watching a movie that she was in between us. Laura and I watched Zoolander holding hands, while scratching Banky’s back. Laura and I started dating in 2003 so we’ll save that for another day. I had a one bedroom apartment near campus, near the bars. All the apartments in my complex were one bedrooms with the exception of one. The one above me. It was converted to be two bedrooms with a balcony overlooking the hillside and trees. It was a rickety ass balcony. This was the time that balconies were falling out of the sky in Chicago, so I always stood near the door. It was the end of the year and my upstairs neighbors were having a party. This was the perfect party apartment. The entire upstairs was open and led to the balcony. Smokers could smoke. Drinkers could drink. Tweekers could tweek. Banky was allowed up there. My neighbors were solid guys. The following year, the girls moved in. Again, a later story, but this one involves Nick (Last name sounds like son-of-a-bitch). We were having a great time. The keg was getting murdered and we were in the midst of a foosball tournament. I was playing with Phil Tanner. We were playing Nick and one of his friends. Ericsen and Steve were there. I always played goalie. I was adequate at stopping the goals, but I could score from goal more times...